you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
two words: eviction party
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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