i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
The best revenge is premature balding
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
