I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Never joke about your clitoris.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
