i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
