Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
