I could have mohawked her pubes.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
