Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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