I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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