The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
