return my video game
Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
