An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
