Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I wish life had little blips of pornography
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
