I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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