your parents love me but you hate me
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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