mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize