jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
