So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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