My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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