some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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