The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
