I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
