as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
