cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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