Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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