mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
