Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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