My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
