She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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