I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
