I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
