I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
