Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
