If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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