I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
