We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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