Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize