The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
you have to choose: penises or morals?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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