Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
