i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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