Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
