I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
