did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
