life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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