tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
