She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
