yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
