mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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