Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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