o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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