You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
