I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
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