3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
no you cant smoke seaweed
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
