Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize