Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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