tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
