No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
