I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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