Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize