I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
