If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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