i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
